Prioritizing Children: Building a Strong and Healthy Co-Parenting Environment

When a marriage ends in divorce, the spouses involved already know that a lot of transitions are headed their way. Whether or not the divorce is mutually agreed upon, one thing should remain a priority: the well-being of the children. One way that the state of Illinois helps to protect this is by encouraging a strong co-parenting relationship whenever possible.

Sometimes, of course, this just isn’t feasible. One parent may choose to be out of the picture, or there may be issues like abuse or drug use that make a co-parenting plan an unreasonable option. In these cases, our team does everything we can to make sure that the custodial parent and the children have the best possible support and resources.

In most cases, though, co-parenting is the best choice for everyone. When you choose to co-parent, it doesn’t mean that you have to be friends or spend time with your ex (although this does happen)…it just means that regardless of how you feel about each other, you both choose to prioritize your children and their well-being.

This transition isn’t easy for everyone, though. Before and during a divorce, tensions can run high and the last thing you may want to do is cooperate with the other party. Whatever situation you might be facing, you can be confident that the family law attorneys at Diamond Legal have the experience to help you through it – and to help you protect your children in the process.

What Is Co-Parenting?

In Illinois, co-parenting is the term given when parents choose to share parental responsibilities during and after a divorce. It does not have one specific blueprint or legal definition – rather, co-parenting agreements are tailored to the family’s needs.

The one thing every co-parenting agreement has in common is that it is based on the best interests of your children.

This does mean that there will often be some give and take on the parts of both parents. There may be some details that are not the most convenient for you, and the court may not grant all of your requests – but in the end, the agreement that is finalized will be done so with your children’s well-being  in mind.

In the past, many divorces resulted in what is now sometimes called “parallel parenting” – basically, the child led two parallel lives – one with Mom, one with Dad. This seemed “normal” for many families 30 or 40 years ago, but this turned out to be less than optimal for many kids. 

In an effort to help both parents move on with rebuilding their lives and keep as much normalcy and support as possible in place for the children, co-parenting rose in popularity. Now, it is much more common than other options when there are no extenuating circumstances to consider.

Key Principles for Establishing a Strong Co-Parenting Relationship

One of key principles to agree upon before structuring your co-parenting agreement is that both you and your spouse will prioritize your children.

This means that you’ll both agree to:

• Put your own feelings aside to create the best possible structure for your child’s needs (taking the logistics of what you and your spouse can handle into account, of course)
• Realize that your child(ren) need both their parents and strive to give them that, even when it means they may spend some holidays and such with their other parent.
• Understand that this will require give and take on both your parts – that you’ll both agree to compromise and work together for the wellbeing of your kids. (This can be done through your lawyer if emotions are still running high.)

Some other key principles of building a strong co-parenting relationship include:

• Flexibility – if life happens and temporary changes are needed, you both agree to place your children first and do what you can to accommodate.
• Giving grace – neither you nor your spouse is perfect, but both of you have important parenting roles.
• Setting clear boundaries – although flexibility and grace are necessary, you’ll need to decide responsibilities, roles, and expectations. (This is actually a required part of the parenting agreement because it helps to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.)
• Cooperation – this will look different in every situation, but what it boils down to is that you both agree to work together to provide a solid environment for your kids.

There are, of course, legal details to be aware of – and our family law team can help you navigate these – but a commitment to creating a strong environment for your children is essential when it comes to building a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Creating a Healthy Environment for Your Children

Just as they did during your marriage, your children will need a structure they can depend on. This means knowing when they’ll be with each parent and having a consistent support system. These things offer them the stability that a divorce can take away.

Depending on your child’s age, this could mean different things. For very young children, traveling with their favorite “lovey” or having duplicates of favorite toys at each parent’s house can help a lot. For elementary and middle school children, creating routines that make transition easier is often beneficial.

For older children, you may find it helpful to give them ways to have a voice in your agreed upon parenting structure. This can help them to work through emotions and questions that they feel deeply, but may have trouble putting into words. This doesn’t mean that they should make all the choices, but giving them a say in the terms of the agreement can do a lot to keep lines of communication open.

Resolving Conflicts and Disagreements

Like any relationship, you will have disagreements with your co-parent – but it’s vital that you develop healthy ways to resolve them. (This is actually another required part of the parenting agreement.)

Again, each set of parents will come up with different ways to resolve conflicts, but it’s important to put your children first when you do so.

The disagreements that arise may vary; they could be about holiday time, attending your child’s events, or even something like getting stuck in an emergency at work and not being able to make it on time for a pickup or handoff. Inconveniences and hard feelings will happen. Life will happen.

What it often comes down to is deciding that the emotional baggage from your divorce is not going to affect your life or your children moving forward – that you and your co-parent are going to work together as a team to raise your kids, even if you are no longer working together in other aspects of your life.

At Diamond Legal, we know how difficult it is for a divorcing couple to come to that place – but over the past several decades, we’ve helped many families get there, and we would like to do the same for you. We’re here to coach you through each step, and if you would like a referral to a trusted therapist or mediator, we’re happy to help.

If you have have questions or would like to talk with our team, give us a call today at (815) 385-6840 or click below to schedule your call. A friendly voice will answer and listen, take your information, and schedule you quickly with an experienced attorney.

DISCLAIMER: Any information contained herein is solely for informational purposes. While it is important that you educate yourself, nothing herein should be construed as legal advice or create an attorney-client relationship. For specific questions, we urge you to contact a local attorney for advice pertaining to your specific legal needs.